Online dating sites don’t typically do background checks on participants.
You should know that.
You are not violating a good person’s privacy. You are protecting yourself and your family.
Watch for June workshop on Grief and New Beginnings
The Lack of Respectful Communication and Unrealistic Expectations are Ultimate Relationship Killers, So…
• Be Honest
• Ask Why You Are Considering Marriage?
• Ask Yourself - Is This the Right Person for a Lifetime?
As you work on growing your own faith be sure to have goals for your dating. If by chance you discover your date is not a believer, beware of wanting to change them. It’s better to let them go. The right believer is often right around the corner.
Don’t go in thinking you can change him or her. Bad habits and personality characteristics might change but unbelief in Jesus is dangerous territory.
You can only change yourself and pray God changes them, but being with an unbeliever clearly indicates this is not the relationship for you.
Begin to back away to avoid becoming unequally yoked. You can give the relationship time, but don’t think you’ll be able to bring them to the Lord. Ultimately that’s God’s job.
If you are not dealing with an unbeliever realize you still can’t change your dating partner. You can work to find ways to accept them and seek solutions for your differences if they are only minor differences that you can live with. But always be ready to accept them as they are because they may never change.
Finding solutions, sticking together through the ups and downs and accepting each other will strengthen the relationship over time, but only if this is the right person for you. Trust God to lead you and pray together daily.
It’s recommended to wait at least 3-6 months before considering an engagement.
Those who date 1-2 years before an engagement are 20% less likely to get a divorce.
It was 2 ½ years for me as a young person and we lasted 50 years before Cal died.
My new marriage with Bill took a lot shorter time for us to know we would get married, but we are also in our mid 70s and were both coming from long lasting happy marriages. We know what it takes to be married.
You need to see each other in a variety of situations. How do each of you react to each other or to particular circumstances?
Important questions to consider:
Understanding Grief and the Past:
Grief and Healing:
How do you each feel about the loss of your previous spouse? How has the grieving process been for each of you? Have you sought professional help for grief if needed?
Memories and the Deceased:
How do you feel about the deceased spouse's memory? Are there specific things you want to honor or acknowledge? How can we ensure that their memory is respected while building our new life?
Moving On:
Do you feel ready to move on and build a new life with someone else? Are there any lingering doubts or fears about committing to a new relationship?
Expectations:
What are your expectations about the relationship? Do you expect it to be similar to, or different from, your previous marriage?
Future Family and Lifestyle:
Do you want children? If so, how many, and how do you envision parenting? If one of you has children, how will we blend our families?
What are your family goals? How do you envision spending time with family, including in-laws?
What kind of lifestyle do you envision for our future? What are your preferences for living arrangements, career aspirations, and leisure activities?
Financial Matters:
Finances:
How will we manage finances? Will we combine finances, or keep them separate? How will we handle debt?
Inheritance:
Have you addressed any financial implications related to the deceased spouse's estate?
Future Planning:
How do you envision our financial future together, including retirement planning?
Communication and Conflict Resolution:
Communication:
How do you prefer to communicate? How can we ensure open and honest communication about difficult topics?
Conflict Resolution:
How do you handle disagreements? What are your expectations for resolving conflicts?
Forgiveness:
How will we handle disagreements or hurts? Will we be able to forgive each other?
Other Important Considerations:
Personal Boundaries:
What are your personal boundaries? What are your expectations about intimacy and physical affection?
Faith and Spirituality:
What are your beliefs about faith and spirituality? How important are these to you?
Support System:
Who are our support systems? How can we support each other through challenges?
Dealbreakers:
Are there any dealbreakers for either of you?
By openly discussing these questions, couples can build a strong foundation for their relationship and ensure they are both on the same page before taking the significant step of marriage.
Remembering to be patient, persistent, and positive is important. Let’s explore this in detail…
Patience: Allows you to wait calmly in the face of frustration or adversity, preventing impulsive reactions and allowing for better decision-making. But how?
Practice mindfulness: Engage in activities that help you stay present and grounded, such as meditation, prayer or deep breathing.
Set realistic expectations: Understand that progress is not always linear, and setbacks are a normal part of the journey. Grief may rear its ugly head when you least expect it! Be ready for these attacks on your progress.
Focus on what's within your control: Instead of dwelling on things you can't change, concentrate on the actions you can take.
Celebrate small wins: Acknowledge and appreciate your progress, no matter how small, to stay motivated. Share them with those close to you.
Persistence: Enables you to keep striving towards your goals even when faced with setbacks or obstacles. Do this by…
Identifying your goals: Clearly define what you want to achieve, and break down large goals into smaller, manageable steps. What do you want to achieve by dating again?
Developing a growth mindset: View challenges as opportunities for learning and growth, rather than as failures. Don’t let your memories disrupt your desire to share life with someone new.
Finding your motivation: Identify what drives you and use that as fuel to keep moving forward. Look to the future while you never forget your past.
Don't be afraid to ask for help: Seek support from friends, family, or mentors when you need it. Tell them what you need. They want to help.
Positivity: Fosters a resilient mindset, helping you to view challenges as opportunities for growth and learning.
Practice gratitude: Regularly reflect on the good things in your life and express appreciation for them. Relish the memories of your loved one and appreciate how they would want you to find love and happiness again.
Focus on solutions, not problems: When faced with a challenge, try to identify potential solutions rather than dwelling on the problem itself. Don’t let your grief overwhelm you.
Surround yourself with positive people: Spend time with individuals who uplift and inspire you. Enjoying relationships with other widowed people can be very helpful.
Practice self-compassion: Be kind and understanding towards yourself, especially when you make mistakes. Practice self-care.
When dating after the loss of a spouse, be open and honest about your feelings and experiences, but also establish healthy boundaries and respect your partner's needs and comfort levels regarding your late spouse.
Tips for talking about your late spouse while dating:
1. Open and Honest Communication:
Communicate Early: Discuss your feelings and experiences with your new partner from the beginning, including how you're coping with grief and what your boundaries are regarding talking about your late spouse.
Be Vulnerable: Allow yourself to be vulnerable and share your memories and emotions, but also be mindful of your partner's feelings and reactions.
Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries about what you're comfortable sharing and what you're not, and respect your partner's boundaries as well.
Don't Over-Share: While honesty is important, avoid oversharing or dwelling on the past to the point where it negatively impacts your new relationship.
Focus on the Present: Remember that your new relationship is about the present, and while your past is important, it shouldn't overshadow your current connection.
2. Respect Your Partner's Perspective:
Listen Actively: Pay attention to your partner's feelings and reactions when you talk about your late spouse, and be willing to listen without judgment.
Empathize: Try to understand your partner's perspective and how they might feel about your late spouse, even if it's different from your own.
Avoid Comparisons: Refrain from comparing your new partner to your late spouse, as this can be hurtful and create unnecessary pressure.
Respect Their Boundaries: If your partner isn't comfortable talking about your late spouse, respect their wishes and don't pressure them to share.
3. Honoring Your Late Spouse:
Find a Balance: You can honor your late spouse without letting your grief control your new relationship.
Share Memories: If your partner is comfortable, share positive memories of your late spouse, but don't force it.
Focus on the Good: Remember the positive aspects of your relationship with your late spouse, and share those memories with your new partner.
Don't Replace: Remember that your late spouse will always hold a special place in your heart, and your new partner will never replace them.
Be Open to a New Chapter: Dating after the loss of a spouse can be a sign of moving forward and finding happiness again.
4. Seeking Support:
Talk to Friends and Family: Lean on your support system for guidance and understanding.
Consider Therapy: If you're struggling to cope with your grief or navigate your new relationship, consider seeking professional help.
Join a Support Group: Connecting with others who have experienced similar losses can be helpful.
When dating after widowhood, setting healthy boundaries involves clear communication about grief, the past, and expectations for the present, ensuring both partners feel respected and comfortable.
Consider These Key Areas:
1. Communication is Key:
Be Open and Honest: Share your feelings and experiences openly, but also be mindful of your new partner's perspective.
Establish Clear Expectations: Discuss what you're looking for in a relationship, including the level of intimacy and commitment you're comfortable with.
Address the Past: Acknowledge the importance of your late spouse, but also focus on the present and future with your new partner.
Set Boundaries: Establish boundaries about how much you discuss the late spouse and when it's appropriate to do so.
2. Respecting the Past:
Avoid Over-Sharing: While it's natural to want to share stories about your late spouse, be mindful of your new partner's feelings and avoid over-sharing or dwelling on the past.
Don't Compare: Refrain from comparing your new partner to your late spouse, as this can create resentment and insecurity.
Embrace New Traditions: Create new memories and traditions with your new partner, while also honoring the memories you shared with your late spouse.
3. Protecting Your Emotional Well-being:
Prioritize Self-Care: Make time for activities that nurture your emotional well-being, such as spending time with friends, engaging in hobbies, or seeking therapy.
Don't Feel Obligated: Remember that you are not obligated to "fix" your partner's grief or expectations.
Know Your Limits: Establish personal boundaries and be comfortable saying "no" when necessary.
Be Patient: Give yourself and your new partner time to adjust and navigate the complexities of dating after widowhood
Whether online dating is right for you after a loss depends entirely on your individual circumstances, preferences and where you are in your grieving process; there's no "right" answer, and it's important to listen to your own needs and feelings before deciding to jump into online dating, as it can be a significant step in moving forward, but also potentially emotionally challenging.
Reasons why online dating might be a good option after loss:
A gradual way to reconnect: Online platforms can offer a less overwhelming way to start interacting with potential partners at your own pace, allowing you to get comfortable with the idea of dating again.
Access to a large pool: Online dating sites provide a wide range of people to meet, which can be helpful if you're looking for someone who understands your situation or shares similar interests.
Ability to be upfront about your loss: You can openly share your experiences on your profile, allowing you to find people who are empathetic and supportive.
Potential downsides of online dating after loss:
Triggering conversations: Discussing your loss with new people might be emotionally draining, especially if they aren't sensitive to your situation.
Comparison to your deceased partner: You might unintentionally compare new people to your former partner, which could hinder your ability to form new connections.
Unrealistic expectations: Be aware that not everyone will understand your grief, and some may not be prepared to navigate the complexities of dating someone who is grieving.
If you're considering online dating after a loss, it's advisable to consult with a therapist or grief counselor to ensure you're emotionally ready and to develop strategies for navigating potential challenges.
When approaching dating after the loss of a spouse, it's crucial to prioritize your emotional well-being, acknowledge your grief, take things slowly, be open and honest about your past, and understand that a new relationship will be different from your previous one, allowing yourself to explore new connections without comparing them to your deceased partner; seek support from friends, family, or a therapist if needed. Consider this:
1. Self-Reflection and Acceptance:
Acknowledge your grief: Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your spouse, and understand that there's no right or wrong way or timeline for mourning.
Reflect on your reasons for dating: Why do you want to date again? Is it for companionship, intimacy, or something else? Understanding your motivations can help you approach dating with clarity and intention.
Don't rush: There's no pressure to jump into a relationship immediately. Take your time and allow yourself to heal and grow before dating again.
2. Approach Dating with Openness and Honesty:
Be open to new experiences: Re-entering the dating world can be daunting, but it's important to remain open to meeting new people and potentially finding love again.
Be honest with yourself and others: Communicate your situation to potential partners, and be open about your history and your needs.
Start slowly: Begin with casual outings and activities, and gradually build towards more serious relationships.
Focus on friendship first: Building a foundation of friendship can make it easier to transition into a romantic relationship.
3. Prioritize Your Well-being:
Make time for yourself: Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you relax and de-stress.
Seek support: Connect with friends, family, or a therapist to help you navigate your emotions and challenges.
Be patient with yourself: Dating after the loss of a spouse can be a challenging process, so be patient and kind to yourself.
Don't let guilt hold you back: It's okay to move forward and find happiness again. Don't feel guilty about wanting to date or find love again.
Talk to your children: If you have children, talk to them about your decision to date again and involve them in the process as appropriate.
The Importance of Healing and Moving Forward:
Grief and Loneliness: Widowhood is a period of intense grief and loneliness, and finding new connections can help alleviate these feelings.
Finding Purpose: New relationships can help individuals find a new purpose and direction in life, moving beyond the loss of their spouse.
Resilience and Strength: The ability to form new connections demonstrates resilience and strength in the face of adversity.
Social Support: New relationships can provide valuable social support, which is crucial during the grieving process and beyond.
Navigating New Relationships:
Timing and Readiness: It's important to allow oneself time to grieve and heal before seeking new relationships.
Honesty and Self-Awareness: Be honest with oneself about what one is looking for in a relationship and be aware of any potential triggers or anxieties.
Open Communication: Communicate openly and honestly with potential partners and family members about the grieving process and the new relationship.
Patience and Understanding: Be patient and understanding with oneself and others as the grieving process and the new relationship evolve.
Focus on the Present: Instead of trying to recreate the past, focus on building a new and fulfilling future.
The Benefits of New Relationships:
Companionship and Intimacy: New relationships can provide companionship and intimacy, which can be particularly important during the grieving process and beyond.
Shared Experiences: Sharing experiences and activities with a new partner can help create new memories and a sense of normalcy.
Personal Growth: New relationships can provide opportunities for personal growth and self-discovery.
Increased Happiness and Fulfillment: Finding love and connection again can lead to increased happiness and fulfillment.
The role of God is one of guidance, comfort, and potential for new beginnings, encouraging individuals to seek His wisdom and direction in their journey toward remarriage or simply finding joy in singlehood.
Your faith provides:
Guidance and Direction: God can provide guidance and direction in navigating the complex emotions and decisions involved in dating after loss. This includes seeking His wisdom on whether to remarry, and if so, when and how.
Comfort and Healing: God offers comfort and healing during the grieving process, helping individuals to find peace and move forward with hope.
Potential for New Beginnings: God can open doors to new relationships and opportunities, allowing widows and widowers to experience love and companionship again.
Biblical Perspective: The Bible doesn't prohibit remarriage after a spouse's death, and in some cases, it even encourages it.
Focus on God's Love: Remarriage, if pursued, should be motivated by love and a desire to honor God, rather than simply seeking to fill a void.
Seeking Counsel: It's important to seek counsel from trusted mentors and godly friends who can offer wise insights and support.
Prayerful Approach: Praying earnestly and asking God for His direction is a crucial part of navigating this journey.
God is a defender of widows and promises to establish boundaries
When dating again after widowhood, expect a complex emotional journey filled with challenges like navigating grief triggers, comparing new partners to your deceased spouse, feeling guilt or hesitation, and a need for open communication to set healthy boundaries, while also potentially finding a new sense of connection and happiness in a new relationship; remember that there's no right timeline for when to start dating again, and it's important to prioritize your own emotional well-being throughout the process.
Here's a more detailed look at what to expect:
1. Emotional Rollercoaster:
Grief and Guilt: Expect a mix of emotions, including sadness, grief, and potentially feelings of guilt or even shame about moving on.
Vulnerability: Re-entering the dating world can feel daunting, as you are opening yourself up to the possibility of pain and grief again.
Uncertainty: It's normal to feel uncertain about your readiness to date, your motivations, and the reactions of others.
2. Navigating Relationships:
Honesty and Open Communication: Be upfront with potential partners about your situation and where you are emotionally.
Patience and Understanding: Be patient with yourself and your new partner, as they both need time to adjust.
Setting Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries and expectations in your relationships, both with your new partner and with your children and family.
Don't Compare: Try not to compare your new relationship to your past one, and allow your new partner to be their own person.
Remember your late spouse: It's okay to still cherish the memories of your late spouse, and your new partner should be able to accept that.
3. Family and Friends:
Potential Resistance: Be prepared for mixed reactions from family and friends, some may be supportive while others may be hesitant or disapproving.
Children's Reactions: If you have children, they may struggle to understand or accept your new relationship, so be prepared to have open and honest conversations with them.
Support System: Lean on your support system for guidance and encouragement, and consider seeking professional help if needed.
4. Self-Care and Self-Worth:
Prioritize Your Needs: Remember to take care of yourself and your needs, both physically and emotionally.
Embrace Your Worth: Don't settle for a relationship that doesn't feel right, and remember that you deserve to be happy.
Focus on the Future: While acknowledging your past, focus on the future and the possibility of finding love and happiness again.
5. Practical Considerations:
Online Dating: If you choose to use online dating apps, be prepared for a wide range of experiences and be cautious about who you meet.
Social Events: Consider attending social events or joining groups to meet new people.
Be Yourself: Don't try to be someone you're not, and be authentic in your interactions.
It is critically important to fully process grief before entering into a new relationship. Attempting to date while still deeply immersed in grief can be detrimental to both yourself and your potential new partner, leading to unhealthy dynamics and emotional baggage carried into the new connection.
But how?????
Acknowledge your feelings: Let yourself feel sad, long, or yearn and don't be ashamed to cry
Reach out to caring friends and family. Talk about your feelings with them.
Express your feelings through journaling, writing, painting, or singing
Seek support from your faith community
Consider talking to a therapist or grief counselor
Take care of yourself: Eat meals at regular times. Get enough sleep. Exercise regularly.
Avoid substances like alcohol and caffeine that can interfere with sleep
Try to maintain a regular schedule
Participate in activities you enjoy
Other tips
Accept that grief is a normal part of life
Don't compare your grief to others
Forgive yourself
Try to keep your life as normal as possible
Postpone major life changes
If your grief is interfering with your life or hasn't improved after six months, consider seeking professional help.
After experiencing the profound loss of a spouse and navigating the challenges of widowhood, rebuilding trust and overcoming the fear of loving again requires time, self-compassion, and a focus on healing and healthy communication.
Here's a guide to help you on this journey…
1. Prioritize Healing and Self-Care:
Allow Yourself to Grieve: Acknowledge and process your emotions, which can include sadness, anger, and a range of other feelings. Don't rush the healing process, and be patient with yourself.
Establish a Strong Support System: Reach out to friends, family, or a grief counselor to process your loss and receive guidance.
Engage in Self-Care Activities: Make time for activities that bring you joy and help you relax, such as exercise, hobbies, or spending time in nature.
Take Time to Honor the Memory of Your Spouse: This can be a process in which you can reflect on your memories and celebrate the life you shared
2. Rebuild Trust in Yourself:
Recognize Your Value: Remember your strengths, accomplishments, and the love you are capable of giving and receiving.
Learn to Trust Your Instincts: Listen to your intuition and don't be afraid to set boundaries and communicate openly with potential partners.
Practice Patience and Kindness: Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this new chapter, and don't expect to be perfect right away.
Forgive Yourself: Forgive yourself for past mistakes and the unchangeable past.
3. Approach Relationships Openly and Authentically:
Set Realistic Expectations: Understand that rebuilding trust takes time and effort, and that your grief will likely have an impact on your dating experiences.
Focus on Building Connections: Prioritize forming meaningful connections with others, rather than rushing into a serious relationship.
Communicate Openly and Honestly: Share your feelings, boundaries, and needs with potential partners, and be willing to listen to theirs.
Be Open to New Experiences: Stay open to meeting new people and exploring the possibilities of finding love again.
4. Seek Professional Guidance if Needed:
Counseling or Therapy: Consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor to process your grief, navigate relationship issues, or gain new insights into rebuilding trust and finding love.
Support Groups: Participate in support groups for widows or widowers, where you can connect with others who have similar experiences.
5. Understand the Challenges of Dating After Loss:
Memory of Your Spouse: Acknowledge that you may still have feelings for your late spouse, and it's okay to grieve and honor their memory.
Balancing Grief and Hope: Be aware that you may have to navigate the challenges of both grief and the excitement of a new relationship.
Potential for Jealousy or Insecurity: Understand that your past experiences may lead to feelings of jealousy or insecurity, and that open communication and setting boundaries can help manage these emotions.
Signs you might be ready to start dating…
If you are feeling emotionally stable and accepting of your loss
If you have a positive outlook of the future, are good at prioritizing your own needs and if you are able to talk about your late spouse without overwhelming grief
How do you start?
Slowly begin engaging in social activities and follow your feelings and desires for companionship. Look forward to connecting with someone new.
Important considerations before starting dating after a loss:
Grief stage: Ensure you are in a place where you feel emotionally ready to date again, as attempting to do so too soon could lead to further emotional distress.
Self-reflection: Understand clearly why you want to start dating again and what you're looking for in a partner.
Communication is key: Be open and honest about your past when communicating with potential matches.
Set healthy boundaries: Be clear about your needs and expectations, and don't feel pressured to rush into anything.
Begin acting like a team as soon into your relationship as possible. Discuss, compare and agree on your mutual life goals. Make sure both your visions for the future are in alignment - aim for similar goals for your lives.
Shared goals are the major key to a fulfilling partnership in marriage. Learn how to establish shared goals and create a sense of teamwork.
Discover ways to align your goals with each other and gain insights into operating as a team.
Be aware that supportive relationships will take work & commitment.
Begin acting like a team as soon into the relationship as possible. This means that a couple views their marriage as a team where both partners have equal voice, share decision-making power, respect each other's needs, and work together to achieve common goals, essentially treating their relationship like a collaborative business venture where both contribute equally and are invested in the success of the unit.
Key aspects of a marriage as a partnership:
Mutual respect: Both partners value each other's opinions and perspectives.
Shared responsibility: Tasks and responsibilities are divided fairly, considering each partner's strengths and needs.
Open communication: Honest and open dialogue is encouraged to address issues and concerns.
Joint decision-making: Significant decisions are made together after considering both partners' viewpoints.
Support system: Each partner actively supports the other's goals and aspirations.
Important considerations:
Equality does not always mean "50/50":
While striving for balance, it's important to recognize that contributions might vary depending on life circumstances.
Adapting to change:
A partnership requires flexibility to adjust to life changes and evolving needs.
Addressing power imbalances:
Recognizing and actively working to correct any power imbalances within the relationship.
Understanding the impact of childhood experiences can be key to a thriving relationship. As you deepen your bond with a partner, consider gently exploring each other’s past traumas to foster trust and empathy. Discover how to approach these conversations and overcome challenges together.
For a helpful list and tips, read more on my blog: How Childhood Traumas Can Affect Future Relationships
Coming on April 10, 2025 6:30pm PST…workshops on Pre-engagement and Marriage: Get on wait list here: https://www.jeannegormick.com/loss-survivor-tribe
Be very aware of mental health concerns in the partner or in a family member of theirs.
Some issues you can decide to live with, but be careful. Consider the ramifications.
If you discover your dating partner is dealing with this in either themselves or with a family member. This will impact your relationship.
Coming on April 10, 2025 6:30pm PST…workshops on Pre-engagement and Marriage: Get on wait list here: https://www.jeannegormick.com/loss-survivor-tribe
Commitment creates a climate where both persons can work together to put off their selfishness.
Honest open communication is critical and so is a lot of forgiveness. BTW forgiveness is a big consideration, especially while planning a wedding.
True forgiveness replaces hostility and bitterness with mercy and compassion.
Remember (Romans 12:15) and remove all seeds of bitterness.
Don’t ever give up on your marriage! Divorce and remarriage is not a solution.
Put all the work that you can into your existing marriage before giving up.
Learn marital survival tools at a 1 hour Mini-Workshop with solutions for the Marriage Season of your relationship.
Coming on April 10, 2025 6:30pm PST…workshops on Pre-engagement and Marriage: Get on wait list here: https://www.jeannegormick.com/loss-survivor-tribe
Always keep your marriage in prayer – bring God to all decisions and difficulties. Pray together and as much as possible whenever possible.