Next month I will be launching my 4th book and I thought I’d share some excerpts from Your Treasured Marriage: A God-centered Guidebook to Create Long-Lasting Love

Senior Prom

From Chapter 1 

First Date 

All around us, windows steamed while ours remained clear. From the standpoint of teens in the heat of passion, I suppose our car was one of the boring ones that cool November evening. We were having fun anyway!

The movie was Judith. The year was 1966.

Like most of the kids there, I can’t remember details of the film we’d come to see, but not because we were steaming up the windows. Because we were hot and heavy into a deep discussion of religion. I had just discovered Cal Gormick, whom I’d recently met at the Young Men’s Christian Association (YMCA) teen program, was actually Jewish. I had always been drawn to Jewish boys—something my parents frowned upon.

After a pretty intense discussion about the Jewish faith, he turned to me as the movie was ending and asked if I would do him a favor.

“Of course,” was my immediate response.

Then very seriously, very eloquently, he inquired, “Will you kiss me?”

How could I resist? This boy had such a special quality about him—a special gentleness—and, yet, so much life and energy. He certainly hadn’t acted the way most guys act at a drive-in. He hadn’t rushed at my body and pawed at me all night. He’d been my brother, my friend … such a refreshing change…”

Watch for Pre-Sale Announcements!

From Chapter 24 

Going in Different Directions: Cal’s Last Few Months

“…You gave me a wonderful life and family. We have three loving children and we are very proud of all five of our grandchildren who are becoming productive contributors to society. In this world of absent fathers and the residual aftermath, you were a stellar, godly example of a good father.

You stuck by me through all those years of struggle with our opposite personalities.

And, Lord God, you blessed us through it all—especially when we were being selfish, sinful humans!

Life is a special event and without you, I’m missing the music you brought into my life.” 

In addition to emotional and physical intimacy, spiritual intimacy is a critical component to a successful marriage relationship. I prayed for Cal for years and, Praise God, he found Him in his own way…

  “In (Cal’s) own way he said he knew Jesus.  He was never comfortable attending church services. But if he ever expressed the desire, I was willing to change churches to be together with him at church.  He came to many of my small group potluck parties, so many of my church friends knew and accepted him.  He described himself as a ‘half breed’ when asked about his faith (half Jewish and half believer in Christ.) Unfortunately, we never really experienced spiritual intimacy. I really missed that in our marriage. It is the deepest level of oneness.

 I prayed that God would show me how to share Jesus in a meaningful way that would help Cal understand Who He is and who we are in Him.”*

 *From Your Treasured Marriage: A God-Centered Guidebook to Create Long-Lasting Love

 “(Cal) could be so encouraging to our friends when they were going through challenging times.  He always had such a warm counseling heart.” 

 “You encouraged me to get out and speak in front of people.”*

 *From Your Treasured Marriage: A God-Centered Guidebook to Create Long-Lasting Love

“’(God) instructed man to be the leader; woman to complete, complement, and follow; children to be trained, enjoyed, and sent out from home.’”*

 *From Your Treasured Marriage: A God-Centered Guidebook to Create Long-Lasting Love

Wifely Submission Is A Tough Pill to Swallow

“What I understood for sure was that wifely submission to Cal was absolutely necessary for us to achieve the satisfying, successful relationship we finally did achieve.  It goes far beyond our own relationship.  Our children were ever watching, ever-absorbing.  We were setting examples for them in our acts of yielding to one another.”* 

  *From Your Treasured Marriage: A God-Centered Guidebook to Create Long-Lasting Love

Now be sure to love him everyday and cherish every moment…Life is short!

“… we used to enjoy bowling together.  In the end, we couldn’t bowl together due to his declining health, but our love and relationship continued until his death.  We just loved being together!”*

*From Your Treasured Marriage: A God-Centered Guidebook to Create Long-Lasting Love

              Marriage takes a whole bunch of grace and forgiveness. Being committed and faithful isn’t always easy.

“Successful marriages are certainly based on frequent, effective, clear and open communication along with saying “I love you” - that they are appreciated; making time for each other as a couple and having separate time for your own interests; understanding to agree to disagree; building trust and learning to forgive. Words and advice to live by, but not always easy for us.”*

 *From Your Treasured Marriage: A God-Centered Guidebook to Create Long-Lasting Love

Tough times?  Reassure him that both you and God are there for him when things get tough.

“God ‘allows us to face issues that may terrify us and make us feel completely inadequate-he may even walk us through our deepest fears- so that we can grow in Him.  The Bible is adamant about this.  Spiritual growth takes place by persevering through difficult times.’  (James 1:2-4)”*

 *From Your Treasured Marriage: A God-Centered Guidebook to Create Long-Lasting Love

“Either way as Gary Thomas’ Sacred Influence states, ‘a gentle and quiet heart, mixed with a patient spirit, in a woman who keeps praying and who finds ways to connect with her husband greatly increases the possibility that she will one day pray to the God of her dreams with the man of her dreams.’

 My own wonderful someday came the day he was released from the hospital after his 2nd heart attack. We prayed together for the first time. It was an exciting step…”*

 *From Your Treasured Marriage: A God-Centered Guidebook to Create Long-Lasting Love

“He had been supportive of my return to school, my volunteer work, my return to work full-time and my starting a business.”* 

*From Your Treasured Marriage: A God-Centered Guidebook to Create Long-Lasting Love

“You were truly a blessing throughout my entire life (even through those tough times of being such different personalities!)”*

*From Your Treasured Marriage: A God-Centered Guidebook to Create Long-Lasting Love

You might have seen this before, but if it gives you a laugh and helps you understand older folks better, here you go… 

On the kitchen on the wall, we only had one phone with no need for recording things, because someone was always home. We only had a living room where we would congregate, unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate. We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine. When meeting as a family those two rooms would work out fine.  

We only had one TV set and channels maybe two, but always there was one of them with something worth the view.  

For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip. And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip. Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to cook and nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book.  

Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play. We all did things together --even go to church to pray. When we did our weekend trips depending on the weather, no one stayed at home because we liked to be together.  

Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own, but we knew where the others were without our own cell phone.  Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star, and nothing can compare to watching movies in your car.  

Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season, pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason.  

Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know, have real action playing ball --and no game video.  

Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend, and didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend? The way that he took care of you or what he had to do, because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you.  

Remember going to the store and shopping casually, and when you went to pay for it you used your own money? Nothing that you had to swipe or punch in some amount, and remember when the cashier person had to really count?  

The milkman used to go from door to door, And it was just a few cents more than going to the store.  

There was a time when mailed letters came right to your door, without a lot of junk mail ads sent out by every store. The mailman knew each house by name and knew where it was sent; there were not loads of mail addressed to "present occupant."  

There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take, and you would know the kind of car, the model and the make. They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile; they were streamlined, white walls, fins and really had some style.  

One time the music that you played whenever you would jive, was from a vinyl, big-holed record called a forty-five. The record player had a post to keep them all in line and then the records would drop down and play one at a time.  

Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today and always we were striving, trying for a better way.  

Oh, the simple life we lived still seems like so much fun, how can you explain a game, just kick the can and run?  

And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes and for a nickel, red machines had little bottled Cokes?  

This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways. I love the new technology but I sure do miss those days. 

So time moves on and so do we and nothing stays the same, but I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane. With all today's technology we grant that it's a plus!  

But it's fun to look way back and say,”Hey Look, guys, THAT WAS US!”

1. Send  clients links to articles you run across from awards they receive or interviews about them.  

2. Collect business cards to enter into your Contact Management System CRM and follow-up with EVERYONE you meet.  You never know who will be your next customer or who they could refer you to. 

3. Use thank-you notes, birthday and anniversary cards and other personal notes to keep in touch with all your customers.  It's easier to maintain an existing client relationship than build a new one, so don't take anyone for granted.   

4. Send clients and potential clients links to articles you come across that might be helpful to them in their businesses. 

5. Use unique and useful specialty advertising items to keep your company name and logo in front of everyone on a daily basis. 

6. Use "on-hold" telephone advertising to suggest additional products or services. 

7. Provide a tip of the day, week or month for customers waiting on the phone or place these in your newsletter emails or on your web site in a blog. 

8. Change your voicemail messages often to keep customers informed of your whereabouts and other important information. 

9. Always carry your business cards with you even on your days off and vacations!  Talk about your business wherever you go. 

10. Keep copies of any article links about your business for future use in your newsletter emails or frame them to put on your store walls for continued credibility.

Buy See Dick and Jane Start a Homebased Business for more Profitable Tips…

Today I decided to share info I heard from JJ Richa, Business Consultant with Orange County SBDC.  

 Tips for Success:  

1. Have a passion for what you do. 

2. Project honesty, trustworthiness, and work ethic. 

3. Be flexible, nimble, and stick to your core values.

4. Don't be afraid of failure and don't let it hold you back. 

5. Make timely decisions and don't miss on opportunities. 

6. Take care of yourself as you are the major business asset. 

7. Believe in yourself and the success of your company. 

8. Be tenacious but know when to quit or when to continue. 

9. Accept criticism and admit your mistakes. 

10. Rebound quickly from setbacks or falls.

 Traps to Avoid:  

1.  Business Plans are for Dummies - statements like this hinder your success! 

2. My products/services are so great; everyone will love it - not usually the case! 

3. If I build it, customers will buy; no need for marketing - are you certain? 

4. I don't have any competitors - think about it, maybe there is a reason for it! 

5. I have more features than all the competitors combined - Simple sells! 

6. I'm the first mover - concentrate on differentiating yourself from the rest instead! 

7. I don't have to risk my own money; I'll use other people's money - no skin in the game! 

8. Me, Myself and I - keep your ego aside and concentrate on making money! 

9. I'm small and nimble for the big guys to keep up with me - Really? 

10. Major clients will sign contracts as soon as we open doors - Don't bet your life on it!

Dave asked Dad to hire an accountant, but he constantly refused. He’d always done his own taxes and he said he didn't want to burden an accountant with his piles of paper.  We thought he was probably more than a bit embarrassed, too. 

Dad hadn’t paid his taxes for the last 3 or 4 years, though he had apparently paid his quarterly estimated taxes and applied for extensions.  

I understood a bit about taxes, so I offered to help Dave deal with the IRS, which by this time was sending threatening letters.  

Dave was thankful for the help, so I told him not to bother asking Dad about the taxes anymore.  I just asked him to grab any papers Dad might have so Julie and I could begin to reconstruct the tax years when we visited.  

Dave discussed with Dad the idea of my taking him to see the IRS in person and he liked that because he wanted to explain why he had stopped filing returns.  

Our goal was to get permission for Dave’s CPA to help do Dad’s taxes. But Dad made it abundantly clear that he wouldn't sign returns prepared by anyone we hired.  

During our next visit Julie and I took him to an appointment with the IRS, where they convinced him to sign an IRS form 2848* to allow Dave’s CPA to untangle his tax mess. As a result, his back taxes were finally prepared and ready to sign and a large check to pay off all the back taxes and penalties was submitted..

Note:   When the trash wasn’t picked up for several weeks, Dave discovered that Dad had failed to pay the bill.  And, amazingly, Dave was successful in convincing Dad that if he became a signer on Dad’s checking account, Dave could help to pay the bills. After many conversational battles, Dad agreed. Dave easily paid the bills on-line and I was  a back-up signer. Dad’s finances finally seemed under control…but wait! 

Dave eventually got  Dad to sign off on a partial Power of Attorney, but apparently the IRS would not accept Dave's limited Power of Attorney signature, so they refused the returns and the payments!  We were back to square one, unless Dad signed the returns… 

Dave emailed:

“This opened a can of worms when I had to call it to Dad's attention. He got upset with me for signing them. He threatened me with reporting me to the IRS for this and with opening his mail. He wasn't going to sign the forms! I had him talk to the CPA about it. The conversation went in circles for 1/2 an hour or so. Finally the CPA convinced Dad that he knew what he was doing and he prepared the returns and that Dad should sign.”

 After 8 years, we were finally successful in handling this major financial mess with the IRS and Dad’s taxes were paid. All that was left was the negotiation process to get some of the penalties refunded or reduced due to our Dad’s Dementia and obvious inability to file his taxes. 

Dave never discussed taxes with Dad again.

* The IRS only honors their form 2848 for anyone paying another person’s taxes (including a family member.)

Sponsor a food or activity booth at a community event (Chili Cook-off, 4th of July Celebration, etc.) 

Participate in a parade with quality signage and creative costumes or floats to draw attention to what you have to offer.  Distribute discount flyers/coupons as your "entourage"` passes by.  

Hold a Grand Opening or Anniversary Celebration special promotion and publicize it.  

Write an article for a trade journal or consumer Social Media page/publication/blog or website and become an instant expert in your field.  

Visit several business referral, networking clubs and trade organizations; attend Chamber of Commerce mixers, then join the ones that will best promote your business and offer you the support you need. 

Save your "junk mail" or “junk SM ads” if a particular promotion catches your eye.  This can provide you with samples of ads which you might like to adapt to your business.   

Always participate in free listing opportunities, especially those connected to quality nonprofit organizations. 

Send out a press release or email announcement every time something happens at your company - grand openings/anniversaries, hirings, promotions, when you make a donation,  run a promotion, receive an award , etc. 

Watch your competition for unique things they are doing and try to match it with something equally creative.  Always know what your competition has to offer.  Stay actively "in the game." 

Think big!  Consider skywriting or flying a banner over potential customers (especially good during a large community event - parade, celebration, etc.)  Sponsor or co-sponsor a hot air balloon.

We had just returned to California, when Dave emailed:

“On Dad's way to church today he had a collision with a cow that was in the road. He says the cow ran into him, spun him around and the car went off down a bank into the field - about 50 feet. He was unhurt, but the car has major damage. We don't know about the cow. It ran off.”

Following the incident with the cow, the attorney offered to drop off the estate papers; so Dad wouldn't have to drive 50 miles in bad weather…but Dad flatly refused!  Once his car was repaired, he insisted upon driving himself to the attorney’s office.

Then Dave discovered that his medication was making him sleepy, causing us additional driving concerns. He wasn’t on any other medications, so we thought the driving issues had been resolved, but…

Five months later, Dave’s Office Manager said several neighbors told her about some of the near misses they had witnessed.

Simultaneously, Dave discovered that his doctor had added another medication.  In researching the side effects of this new drug, Dave found that it can cause permanent loss of mental capacity. He discussed this with Dad and suggested he make a choice between continuing to drive and taking the new med.  Dad immediately denied having any loss of mental capacity.

Then Dad was diagnosed with Cataracts, which leads to a decrease in vision and he was told that he should not be driving at night.

By January, Dad had begun driving after dark again. He would get up at noon, have lunch, take a nap then go into town in the late afternoon. As a result, he didn't have enough time to get back before dark. Dave offered to come pick him up, but Dad never called.

Dave shared that our normally law abiding father had been stopped by the police twice, because of his erratic nighttime driving. They called Dave to come get Dad.

Armed with this new information, Dave took the keys away from Dad, whenever he noticed that he wasn't fit to drive.  Dad got very upset that Dave was interfering with his life.

Finally Dave had to give him an ultimatum. If the police called him to rescue Dad again, he would request that they suspend his license…

On top of this, Dad received his first speeding ticket ever! His explanation…he was simply following the car in front of him, going at the same speed. He seemed to have an excuse for everything!

Dave had become so desperate over Dad’s driving that he asked for my help, so I emailed the following to the NY State DMV: 

“My brother and 93 year old elderly Dad live together in upstate NY.  I am in CA. My brother has finally decided that Dad has had too many accidents, a speeding ticket and other driving problems to be safe on the road.  His driving has already been restricted to daylight driving only. He barely passed his driving test a few months ago. Is there a way to ANONYMOUSLY report a parent who is now an unsafe driver due to age?”

 They explained that Dad needed another Driver Review.  They wouldn't just take away his license.  We hoped this would make him finally listen to Dave about his driving. 

 Dave responded with more details of Dad’s latest accident…

 “Dad went into a ditch on today. This time he had no excuses. The weather was clear and it was in the daytime. He was headed north, so the sun could not have been in his eyes. He said something about the speed limit change and a curve. It made no sense to me. Yes, the road turns there and the speed limit changes, but so what!  Someone beat us to the punch in reporting him. There are others trying to get him to give up driving. I am trying to get him to stop voluntarily, before he is forced to. I told him that I would take him to his Driver Review Road Test. I reminded him that they would ask both of us questions. I told him I will answer their questions truthfully and completely and I will not cover for him. So, now he says he will arrange for someone else to go with him to the Road Test…”

 Dave sent me an email update:

 “Dad hasn't gone anywhere all week, since we picked up his car at the body shop. As a result of the letter he received (from the DMV), I gave him a lecture and asked him to voluntarily stop driving and he seems to be moving again on matters of the estate and Jon's affairs (our younger brother). He’s really very depressed about the possibility of losing his license. I talked with him this AM about home care having a driving service. He was very enthusiastic about it. He didn't know such a service was available. He is willing to use it.”

 A month later Dave’s email said:

 ”Dad failed his Road Test. He insisted that he didn't have the right paperwork from his doctor. He drove all the way to his doctor’s office to get it. By the time he got to the DMV, he was too tired. He was also constipated and feeling poorly. So, he failed to parallel park properly.”

Dad remained hopeful that he would get his license back, though none of us wanted him driving and we all knew he shouldn't be.

I remember thinking, “I’m sorry Dad, but that’s just not going to happen!”

1. Sponsor a community youth sports team and splash your logo and company name on uniforms and signs on the field. (Things are opening up, so grab your opportunity now!)

2. Join a local service club and become very active in your volunteer efforts. 

3. Offer to sell tickets for a nonprofit organization and be sure your name, company, phone and sometimes address appears as a supporter in their publicity. 

4. Offer to be a drop off point for programs such as "Toys for Tots".  Encourage nonprofit organizations to use your premises for things like car washes and give them quality signs to advertise it. 

5. Donate something to a nonprofit cause and ask to be recognized as a donor. (Fundraising events should begin again soon.) 

6. Participate in discount or coupon programs that bring in new customers, especially those benefiting nonprofit causes. 

7. Look like a "good guy" -- offer a percentage of your proceeds to a specific nonprofit cause and insert details about the program in all your ads and publicity. (NOTE: Our company supports BridgeofHope,Inc.) 

8. Offer yourself as a free public speaker for local service clubs and other organizations in need of speakers. (This makes you a respected expert in your field.) 

9. Look for innovative ways to improve your community.  In California our state highways authority (Cal Trans) allows companies to sponsor a section of highway to keep it free of litter. 

10. Let nonprofit groups distribute flyers about their organization or an upcoming fundraiser or, better yet , put one of their flyers in customer's packages as they leave your store.   Also let organizations place their posters in your window.

As soon as I heard about Mom’s stroke, Julie and I made arrangements to fly back East. We traveled through the night, arriving as soon as we could, but we were too late…

Mom had just succumbed to her stroke.

So we switched gears to help Dad make funeral arrangements.  Julie was extremely helpful in doing Internet research, so we knew exactly how to help Dad.

Dad confessed that he had not finished writing Mom’s will.  He was feeling remorseful and guilty since, for whatever reason, he had not done it. As we explored the ramifications, we discovered everything had been put into Mom’s name.

I got Dad’s permission to donate Mom’s clothing and personal belongings before we left. My only regret came when Dad asked me where Mom’s bathrobe was.  He missed seeing it on the back of the bathroom door. 

Mom’s dying without a will complicated things (New York is not a community property state), but as a former attorney it made sense that Dad would serve as the Administrator of her estate.

Dad seemed to be falling apart with the stress of losing his wife of almost 62 years and the responsibility of settling her estate.

Following her death, he felt helpless and lost not only emotionally, but also financially.  He was struggling to figure out our mother’s estate and, in the process, irrationally saw a lack of funds.  It probably didn’t help that he was behind on his taxes.

During our second visit that year, Julie slowly obtained Dad’s permission to file his papers. A trusting relationship was developing between them.  This often happens with grandparents and grandchildren and I think Dad still saw me as the rebellious 16 year old I had been 45 years before!  This is common.  Senior parents may be very proud of their accomplished children, but it is often difficult for them to see their offspring as the professionals that they have become. As parents age, a role reversal begins taking place.

In any case, Dad was very protective of his filing system (all over the floor and couches on one side of the living room.)  He remained secretive and protective of his finances, making it very difficult for us to be of any real help.

Julie slowly began organizing Dad’s mail and important papers, so he could begin on his taxes.  He had always done his own taxes, but Mom’s death seemed to have disturbed his process of filing for extensions, etc.

As our visits became more frequent, we began sorting through the legal issues involved in settling the estate and the back taxes Dad had failed to file. This was all complicated further by Dad’s extreme privacy about his financial affairs and complete lack of a filing system…

We were finally able to settle Mom’s estate.  However, shortly after setting the estate Dad's confusion, which had improved greatly, took a turn for the worse.  It was almost as if he had held himself together to get things done and then just fell apart.

Emails from brother Dave began describing episodes of confusion and disturbing behavior.

 “Dad has been making an absolute disaster of the house! I can't find the records to give to the accountant. Tough to schedule a caregiver because Dad does not sleep on any kind of schedule. It's a 50/50 chance he will be asleep or awake at any given moment. 

I received the packet of info from the Geriatric Care Manager with the symptoms of Dementia. Dad is exhibiting a large number of the symptoms - 70% of Mild symptoms, 50% of Moderate symptoms and 30% of severe symptoms.” 

During our May 2012 visit we noticed that Dad had become mellower and more compliant – still refused to use a walker, wheelchair or the motor cart in Walmart. He moved very slowly with a bit of a shuffle. He was often fixated on issues. 

He clearly used coping methods during the Geriatric Care Manager’s evaluation.  When asked today’s date, he requested his newspaper.  He confused relationships between Julie and me (granddaughter, daughter.)

Very, very tough visit, but we got a lot accomplished.

Prior to leaving for California, I set things in motion for Dad’s personal care from a caregiver …